Dare I say ...

That I need a firm hand and firmer personality to keep me in place? One of the things I like about Al... he doesn't back down and he doesn't shy away from being a strong man. In his profile from the website I met him on it says he wants a woman who isn't afraid of a strong personality.
I think I need it, want it, crave it. I think I am so ready for someone like him.
I wish he weren't healing from a wounded ankle but all in good time, as they say.
But but but I want him. I have my period. I told him. I get needy and horny during and after my period. He promised to try to be there for me when its all over.
I just read a blog "His to love, his to spank". I love the blog. A boyfriend (they do not live together as of yet) is in complete control of his girlfriend. She has adult children who are in the house, etc. ITS A NORMAL, vanilla household situation with a wonderful twist. When she does something bad she gets spanked and punished. She is at times standing or sitting in the corner.
I don't know if I could take the pain anymore. I used to. I used to crave it. I would thrive in it and be a brat to get more. Now, the last few times I trusted anyone to inflict it, I crawl within myself and pray it to be over. I trusted Bill to do it after I cheated on him. I was withering inside until he was finished. My "friend" Lee sucks at being a Top for me. (Did I really say that?)
I don't have the same escapes from life I used to have... and truthfully... life isn't the same for me. It is just as hard, just as much a struggle but very differently now. I told my dad yesterday that he is crazy and I partially blame him for my being bipolar. My brother and mother and I sat and talked about our family and upbringing.
I told my x husband today that I loved him more than anyone in my life but THEN, not NOW.
I miss my daughter. I want to cry and yet... life is good.
I am poorer than I remember being in a long time. Bounced a check poor. But, I am still planning Hope's third birthday in March. I will have a small party at my mother's house. Nothing in a resteraunt like my brothers can afford to do. Not a crowd. Just the immediate family and ordering in food. BUT, I will mail invitations, have a small pinata and play stuff and will still buy Hope a present. She is my life. I have to be able to do for her. She is innocent in my f'ed up life.
I just had to get this out... I really am getting a little down... a little sad. I miss Bill (asshole!). I wish Al had time for me when I needed and wanted it! (not an asshole yet! ) :)
Anyway... Al just IM'ed me.. how does he do that?!?!??!?!