Tomorrow is my surgery. I am really scared.

I am having the Lap Band weight loss surgery tomorrow. Its snowing and miserable outside. My friend John is coming from Nassau County to get me to take me back to Nassau in this crap. I feel so bad. I don't have anyone else. I asked Emily... she said she doesn't like hospitals and only in an emergency would she take me.
oh well.
I have my friend Jack bringing me home on Tuesday. He had the surgery a few months ago with the same surgeon. He's doing great.
I haven't seen him in a long time......... it will be neat seeing a whole new Jack.
I am really scared. I haven't seen my daughter since I dropped her by her dad on Friday.
I am going under general anesthesia. What if, G-d Forbid, I dont see her ever again? I don't know what I would do.
Hope is my life. My breath. My heart.
I am so alone. I met a great guy today. I have a really nice few hours.
But its now almost 11:30 the night before major abdominal surgery and I am alone. No one's arms around me to make me feel safe.
I am very greatful for my life. I really am... but at times like this.... I want to scream!
I miss my daughter. I miss being loved... truly loved by a man.
Such is life. I just wanted to say what I said. I will go to bed soon... try to sleep away the fear.
G-d Bless you all.

Anger!!!!

My xhusband is an idiot. He is passaive agressive and nothing is ever his fault. His miserable life is my fault at the moment. It was his first x wive's before I met him. It will be his girlfriend's if they break up. It is always the other persons fault. The problem with paul is this: he is so irrational that there is no arguement. There is no one to walk to, no one to explain things to.
He has been sending me nasty email all week and refused to give me a lousy $5 that I ask for for dropping my daughter to him. He doesn't have a car because he lost his license years ago for being irresponsible. He refuses to take a car service to come get her. I have bent over backwards to be nice to him, ease his miserable life but no more. I am no one's dog.
I have been nervous for a couple of weeks now because of the surgery. I have my friend John to drive me to the hospital for the procedure. I do not have a ride home on Tuesday. I may take a car service to SI to stay with my parents. I would rather be in my own house but I don't think it is working out. I would almost rather just stay fat and not have the surgery. I am scared, I am alone and I just can't take it much longer. I have some wonderful friends but it isn't the same as having a lover. Someone who holds you when you are scared. I know I am strong. I know I can conquer all of my fears... but it would be nice to be held and told everything will be ok.
I have so much on my mind I want to scream.
I don't need the extra bullshit from paul. I wish he would just go away. Fly to another country with his girlfriend and stay out of my life. Hope doesn't need to be with a man who has no life, no past and no future.
She needs to be around positive, uplifting, HEALTHY people.
I am trying... I really am.

Fear, Loneliness, Strength and Determination

I am going for my surgery on February 26. Its an overnight stay inthe hospital and then 3-5 day recuperation period. I plan on going back to work the following Monday.
The Friday following my surgery is Hope's third birthday. I am planning a very small party at my parents house pending my being able to drive to Staten Island.
I have no one set in stone to drive me to or from the hospital. I need to pick Hope up from her father's house Tuesday after my discharge.
Fear: I am going to have laporascopic surgery to minimize the size of my stomach. I will lose enough weight over the next 6 months (and on and on and on) until I am no longer the same fat woman I have always been.
Loneliness: I have no one to drive me to the hospital or to bring me home.
Strength and determination: F*ck the world, I will figure it all out.
My parents have offered to drive me but they are so much aggravation that I don't want them to be involved. John from Nassau County has offered to do as much as he can but he works. Emily said if it isn't during rush hour and she can get people to work for her she can do it. Sherry is going to AZ to see her new grandson. I haven't asked Stacy what her days off are yet. I asked Z, my booty call, but he can't promise me and doesn't want to let me down on something so important. I am fresh out of ideas. In the end, my parents will do it and make me crazy.
A good friend has been councilling me. I met him because I wanted him as a sugar daddy.... instead he is my friend. MUCH more important. He told me 2 things that have really stuck in my head: I need to put me on a pedestal before anyone else will. I am not diner material. I am resteraunt material. If I keep letting men think I am worthless they will continue to treat me as such. I need to remember all that!!!!!!!
Fear, loneliness, strength and determination. I can conquer it all. One step at a time.
I am fighting mental illness everyday. I will soon be fighting food everyday. I can do this. I CAN do this.