No one can treat you any way except how you let them.
A good friend of mine read the blog. He was hurt by things he read. I use the word hurt, I don't exactly know his word for it. I know he was speechless.
I put out my sexuality to men because I think that is what I have to offer.
I know in my heart that I am so much more than that but.. there are times that I forget.
Sometimes, even negative attention, is better than no attention. Sometimes.
I think I woke up today being tired of the negative again. I go in spurts. Sometimes, I know its all negative but it still feels good so I allow it. Other times, like today, I want more. I remember that I deserve more.
I have had a quiet weekend without Hope. She is with her father. Friday, when I dropped her off, Paul's girlfriend was outside with him. She put her arms out for my daughter and Hope ran to her. I stopped watching and I drove away. The arrow pierced my stony heart and it hurt. FUCKING HURT LIKE FUCKING HELL ON EARTH.
But I believe Hope is happy, cared for... so I eat it. I eat my tears.. I eat my hurt. Sometimes I allow negative attention because it masks the hurt and pain I feel.
Sometimes I remember that they are all shit.. the men who only want to get laid. the few who care about me... and there are a few... always rise to the top. I must be vigilent to remember them and to say thank you.
Justin came over last night, late, for 2 hours. We spoke about business and my weight. He never tried to touch me, kiss me. He actually only wants to help me. I have to take stock of myself and do something with my life. If these few people in my life see something, believe I am capable of more, than why can't I?
My therapist (who I see tomorrow, thankfully), Emily, Stacy, Al, Bill, Justin.
I need to go for the weight loss surgery that I had scheduled for April 10 last year. I need to shed the weight and find the real me. I can't hide forever.
I am going away next week with a good friend of mine. He wants to help me clear my head and give me the chance to relax and breathe. I am so grateful I can't begin to express it.
After that, I will get back into the surgery brain. I know Dr. B (therapist) would prefer me to lose it without surgery but I know I won't. I have no real will power. I want it yesterday. I am also afraid of the real me.. what if no one likes her? What if I become a real slut? Not the one I pretend to be now!??!?!
I am reading about Kaballah. I think its fantastic. I tried reading about Zen but I am a little lost in the book. Kaballah feels comfortable to me. I will continue to learn and read.
Today, I am working on AVON. I have to. I did laundry yesterday. I slowly work on what I have to do... slow but steady wins the race! :) Something like that.
A quick note to Al, who hates when I communicate through the blog, Thank you.
G-d Bless
I put out my sexuality to men because I think that is what I have to offer.
I know in my heart that I am so much more than that but.. there are times that I forget.
Sometimes, even negative attention, is better than no attention. Sometimes.
I think I woke up today being tired of the negative again. I go in spurts. Sometimes, I know its all negative but it still feels good so I allow it. Other times, like today, I want more. I remember that I deserve more.
I have had a quiet weekend without Hope. She is with her father. Friday, when I dropped her off, Paul's girlfriend was outside with him. She put her arms out for my daughter and Hope ran to her. I stopped watching and I drove away. The arrow pierced my stony heart and it hurt. FUCKING HURT LIKE FUCKING HELL ON EARTH.
But I believe Hope is happy, cared for... so I eat it. I eat my tears.. I eat my hurt. Sometimes I allow negative attention because it masks the hurt and pain I feel.
Sometimes I remember that they are all shit.. the men who only want to get laid. the few who care about me... and there are a few... always rise to the top. I must be vigilent to remember them and to say thank you.
Justin came over last night, late, for 2 hours. We spoke about business and my weight. He never tried to touch me, kiss me. He actually only wants to help me. I have to take stock of myself and do something with my life. If these few people in my life see something, believe I am capable of more, than why can't I?
My therapist (who I see tomorrow, thankfully), Emily, Stacy, Al, Bill, Justin.
I need to go for the weight loss surgery that I had scheduled for April 10 last year. I need to shed the weight and find the real me. I can't hide forever.
I am going away next week with a good friend of mine. He wants to help me clear my head and give me the chance to relax and breathe. I am so grateful I can't begin to express it.
After that, I will get back into the surgery brain. I know Dr. B (therapist) would prefer me to lose it without surgery but I know I won't. I have no real will power. I want it yesterday. I am also afraid of the real me.. what if no one likes her? What if I become a real slut? Not the one I pretend to be now!??!?!
I am reading about Kaballah. I think its fantastic. I tried reading about Zen but I am a little lost in the book. Kaballah feels comfortable to me. I will continue to learn and read.
Today, I am working on AVON. I have to. I did laundry yesterday. I slowly work on what I have to do... slow but steady wins the race! :) Something like that.
A quick note to Al, who hates when I communicate through the blog, Thank you.
G-d Bless
posted by Stacey @ 12:42 PM
1 Comments:
At 1/29/2007 3:23 PM,
Stacy O said…
Hey that is the saddest blogg I have read from you, I hurt for you. I love you friend and keep up the good work.
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