Catching up.

I haven't blogged since the night before my surgery. Its time to update anyone who may really be reading this stuff.
I have lost close to 20 lbs since February 26. I am getting used to the limited amount of food and the possible vomiting when I am impatient. Its a learning experiece, for sure.
I am watching how people are reacting to me. You can definately notice the weight loss already. I have a waist again and have lost my second chin! :)
Anyway. I was picked up in the diner one week after my procedure. I was with the girls for dinner and this strange guy waved at me. Long story short, Emily invited him to the table for a few minutes. Before he left he gave me his business card and I gave him my email address. We have been dating ever since.
His name is Larry. He's going to be 50 in a couple fo week. We have a blast together. He is very supportive of my lifestyle. As a matter of fact, we went for a very brisk walk the other day at the local state park.
I am going VERY slow with this... I don't need another broken heart.
Hope turned 3 on March 2. She's my big girl now.
I am taking my x to court for child support. I am both excited and nervous. What's he going to try to do to me now? One day at a time.
I will fight the fight when I need to.
I feel the strongest I have ever been. I am woman, hear me roar!!!!!!!!! :)

Tomorrow is my surgery. I am really scared.

I am having the Lap Band weight loss surgery tomorrow. Its snowing and miserable outside. My friend John is coming from Nassau County to get me to take me back to Nassau in this crap. I feel so bad. I don't have anyone else. I asked Emily... she said she doesn't like hospitals and only in an emergency would she take me.
oh well.
I have my friend Jack bringing me home on Tuesday. He had the surgery a few months ago with the same surgeon. He's doing great.
I haven't seen him in a long time......... it will be neat seeing a whole new Jack.
I am really scared. I haven't seen my daughter since I dropped her by her dad on Friday.
I am going under general anesthesia. What if, G-d Forbid, I dont see her ever again? I don't know what I would do.
Hope is my life. My breath. My heart.
I am so alone. I met a great guy today. I have a really nice few hours.
But its now almost 11:30 the night before major abdominal surgery and I am alone. No one's arms around me to make me feel safe.
I am very greatful for my life. I really am... but at times like this.... I want to scream!
I miss my daughter. I miss being loved... truly loved by a man.
Such is life. I just wanted to say what I said. I will go to bed soon... try to sleep away the fear.
G-d Bless you all.

Anger!!!!

My xhusband is an idiot. He is passaive agressive and nothing is ever his fault. His miserable life is my fault at the moment. It was his first x wive's before I met him. It will be his girlfriend's if they break up. It is always the other persons fault. The problem with paul is this: he is so irrational that there is no arguement. There is no one to walk to, no one to explain things to.
He has been sending me nasty email all week and refused to give me a lousy $5 that I ask for for dropping my daughter to him. He doesn't have a car because he lost his license years ago for being irresponsible. He refuses to take a car service to come get her. I have bent over backwards to be nice to him, ease his miserable life but no more. I am no one's dog.
I have been nervous for a couple of weeks now because of the surgery. I have my friend John to drive me to the hospital for the procedure. I do not have a ride home on Tuesday. I may take a car service to SI to stay with my parents. I would rather be in my own house but I don't think it is working out. I would almost rather just stay fat and not have the surgery. I am scared, I am alone and I just can't take it much longer. I have some wonderful friends but it isn't the same as having a lover. Someone who holds you when you are scared. I know I am strong. I know I can conquer all of my fears... but it would be nice to be held and told everything will be ok.
I have so much on my mind I want to scream.
I don't need the extra bullshit from paul. I wish he would just go away. Fly to another country with his girlfriend and stay out of my life. Hope doesn't need to be with a man who has no life, no past and no future.
She needs to be around positive, uplifting, HEALTHY people.
I am trying... I really am.

Fear, Loneliness, Strength and Determination

I am going for my surgery on February 26. Its an overnight stay inthe hospital and then 3-5 day recuperation period. I plan on going back to work the following Monday.
The Friday following my surgery is Hope's third birthday. I am planning a very small party at my parents house pending my being able to drive to Staten Island.
I have no one set in stone to drive me to or from the hospital. I need to pick Hope up from her father's house Tuesday after my discharge.
Fear: I am going to have laporascopic surgery to minimize the size of my stomach. I will lose enough weight over the next 6 months (and on and on and on) until I am no longer the same fat woman I have always been.
Loneliness: I have no one to drive me to the hospital or to bring me home.
Strength and determination: F*ck the world, I will figure it all out.
My parents have offered to drive me but they are so much aggravation that I don't want them to be involved. John from Nassau County has offered to do as much as he can but he works. Emily said if it isn't during rush hour and she can get people to work for her she can do it. Sherry is going to AZ to see her new grandson. I haven't asked Stacy what her days off are yet. I asked Z, my booty call, but he can't promise me and doesn't want to let me down on something so important. I am fresh out of ideas. In the end, my parents will do it and make me crazy.
A good friend has been councilling me. I met him because I wanted him as a sugar daddy.... instead he is my friend. MUCH more important. He told me 2 things that have really stuck in my head: I need to put me on a pedestal before anyone else will. I am not diner material. I am resteraunt material. If I keep letting men think I am worthless they will continue to treat me as such. I need to remember all that!!!!!!!
Fear, loneliness, strength and determination. I can conquer it all. One step at a time.
I am fighting mental illness everyday. I will soon be fighting food everyday. I can do this. I CAN do this.

Surgery, Bronchitis, too much pressure

I want to quit my job. I know I can't but boy, I sometimes wish I could.
I will have my period tomorrow. Its a billing day. I will not be a happy girl.
Hope has bronchitis and a red throat and is on 2 medications. Prick father kept her sick for 4 days and gave her OTK meds instead of taking her to the doctor. I hate him.
I will have my Lap Band surgery on Monday, February 26 and will recupe the rest of the week.
I may or may not go to my parents house to recupe. I will try, very hard, to find a back up plan.
Let's see how that goes down, I have a month.
Saw the psychiatrist yesterday - same medicine with the same dose, see him in 2 months. Cool beans.
IM'ed with Bill... that was nice... no hard feelings.
IM'ed with Al... boy am I a jerk sometimes. Lets see what life brings for the two of us. I want him to photograph me. Actually, I have a continious project for him. I want him to document my weight loss. That means he HAS TO STAY in my life for the next YEAR!!!!!!! :)
I will discuss it with him soon.
Anyway... back to the grind, errrrrr, motherhood and sleep soon.
G-d Bless

No one can treat you any way except how you let them.

A good friend of mine read the blog. He was hurt by things he read. I use the word hurt, I don't exactly know his word for it. I know he was speechless.
I put out my sexuality to men because I think that is what I have to offer.
I know in my heart that I am so much more than that but.. there are times that I forget.
Sometimes, even negative attention, is better than no attention. Sometimes.
I think I woke up today being tired of the negative again. I go in spurts. Sometimes, I know its all negative but it still feels good so I allow it. Other times, like today, I want more. I remember that I deserve more.
I have had a quiet weekend without Hope. She is with her father. Friday, when I dropped her off, Paul's girlfriend was outside with him. She put her arms out for my daughter and Hope ran to her. I stopped watching and I drove away. The arrow pierced my stony heart and it hurt. FUCKING HURT LIKE FUCKING HELL ON EARTH.
But I believe Hope is happy, cared for... so I eat it. I eat my tears.. I eat my hurt. Sometimes I allow negative attention because it masks the hurt and pain I feel.
Sometimes I remember that they are all shit.. the men who only want to get laid. the few who care about me... and there are a few... always rise to the top. I must be vigilent to remember them and to say thank you.
Justin came over last night, late, for 2 hours. We spoke about business and my weight. He never tried to touch me, kiss me. He actually only wants to help me. I have to take stock of myself and do something with my life. If these few people in my life see something, believe I am capable of more, than why can't I?
My therapist (who I see tomorrow, thankfully), Emily, Stacy, Al, Bill, Justin.
I need to go for the weight loss surgery that I had scheduled for April 10 last year. I need to shed the weight and find the real me. I can't hide forever.
I am going away next week with a good friend of mine. He wants to help me clear my head and give me the chance to relax and breathe. I am so grateful I can't begin to express it.
After that, I will get back into the surgery brain. I know Dr. B (therapist) would prefer me to lose it without surgery but I know I won't. I have no real will power. I want it yesterday. I am also afraid of the real me.. what if no one likes her? What if I become a real slut? Not the one I pretend to be now!??!?!
I am reading about Kaballah. I think its fantastic. I tried reading about Zen but I am a little lost in the book. Kaballah feels comfortable to me. I will continue to learn and read.
Today, I am working on AVON. I have to. I did laundry yesterday. I slowly work on what I have to do... slow but steady wins the race! :) Something like that.
A quick note to Al, who hates when I communicate through the blog, Thank you.
G-d Bless

I got laid!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I left work early to take a nap and instead my friend/f*ck buddy came over. OH MY!!!
I am still sore.. and love it! I had a great time with a great friend who I see every couple of months.
Also, I talk every day with J. A new one. I met him for dinner Sunday night and liked him. He may not be my sugar daddy but he can have what he wants from me. He is HONEST and to the point. No bullshit and that's awesome with me. I will always know where I stand.
He is looking for a sugar daddy for me.
And M. still wants to have a baby. He is in Switzerland at the moment but has still been calling me.
And C. the black C, is still around too.
And C, the pierced C, is still around too.
And I am sure there are more................ :)
I am loving the attention but I know its all about sex. I can live with it for now. I know I will come off this high on Valentine's day. That is the worst day of the year for me. Oh well.
I am planning my daughters birthday. I want to make it special for her. She will be in daycare that day so I will plan a little something for all the kids. She is my TRUE light.
That was a quick blog post but Hope's asleep and I am running into my bed now!!!!!!!
Goodnight and G-d Bless.