Surgery, Bronchitis, too much pressure

I want to quit my job. I know I can't but boy, I sometimes wish I could.
I will have my period tomorrow. Its a billing day. I will not be a happy girl.
Hope has bronchitis and a red throat and is on 2 medications. Prick father kept her sick for 4 days and gave her OTK meds instead of taking her to the doctor. I hate him.
I will have my Lap Band surgery on Monday, February 26 and will recupe the rest of the week.
I may or may not go to my parents house to recupe. I will try, very hard, to find a back up plan.
Let's see how that goes down, I have a month.
Saw the psychiatrist yesterday - same medicine with the same dose, see him in 2 months. Cool beans.
IM'ed with Bill... that was nice... no hard feelings.
IM'ed with Al... boy am I a jerk sometimes. Lets see what life brings for the two of us. I want him to photograph me. Actually, I have a continious project for him. I want him to document my weight loss. That means he HAS TO STAY in my life for the next YEAR!!!!!!! :)
I will discuss it with him soon.
Anyway... back to the grind, errrrrr, motherhood and sleep soon.
G-d Bless

No one can treat you any way except how you let them.

A good friend of mine read the blog. He was hurt by things he read. I use the word hurt, I don't exactly know his word for it. I know he was speechless.
I put out my sexuality to men because I think that is what I have to offer.
I know in my heart that I am so much more than that but.. there are times that I forget.
Sometimes, even negative attention, is better than no attention. Sometimes.
I think I woke up today being tired of the negative again. I go in spurts. Sometimes, I know its all negative but it still feels good so I allow it. Other times, like today, I want more. I remember that I deserve more.
I have had a quiet weekend without Hope. She is with her father. Friday, when I dropped her off, Paul's girlfriend was outside with him. She put her arms out for my daughter and Hope ran to her. I stopped watching and I drove away. The arrow pierced my stony heart and it hurt. FUCKING HURT LIKE FUCKING HELL ON EARTH.
But I believe Hope is happy, cared for... so I eat it. I eat my tears.. I eat my hurt. Sometimes I allow negative attention because it masks the hurt and pain I feel.
Sometimes I remember that they are all shit.. the men who only want to get laid. the few who care about me... and there are a few... always rise to the top. I must be vigilent to remember them and to say thank you.
Justin came over last night, late, for 2 hours. We spoke about business and my weight. He never tried to touch me, kiss me. He actually only wants to help me. I have to take stock of myself and do something with my life. If these few people in my life see something, believe I am capable of more, than why can't I?
My therapist (who I see tomorrow, thankfully), Emily, Stacy, Al, Bill, Justin.
I need to go for the weight loss surgery that I had scheduled for April 10 last year. I need to shed the weight and find the real me. I can't hide forever.
I am going away next week with a good friend of mine. He wants to help me clear my head and give me the chance to relax and breathe. I am so grateful I can't begin to express it.
After that, I will get back into the surgery brain. I know Dr. B (therapist) would prefer me to lose it without surgery but I know I won't. I have no real will power. I want it yesterday. I am also afraid of the real me.. what if no one likes her? What if I become a real slut? Not the one I pretend to be now!??!?!
I am reading about Kaballah. I think its fantastic. I tried reading about Zen but I am a little lost in the book. Kaballah feels comfortable to me. I will continue to learn and read.
Today, I am working on AVON. I have to. I did laundry yesterday. I slowly work on what I have to do... slow but steady wins the race! :) Something like that.
A quick note to Al, who hates when I communicate through the blog, Thank you.
G-d Bless

I got laid!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I left work early to take a nap and instead my friend/f*ck buddy came over. OH MY!!!
I am still sore.. and love it! I had a great time with a great friend who I see every couple of months.
Also, I talk every day with J. A new one. I met him for dinner Sunday night and liked him. He may not be my sugar daddy but he can have what he wants from me. He is HONEST and to the point. No bullshit and that's awesome with me. I will always know where I stand.
He is looking for a sugar daddy for me.
And M. still wants to have a baby. He is in Switzerland at the moment but has still been calling me.
And C. the black C, is still around too.
And C, the pierced C, is still around too.
And I am sure there are more................ :)
I am loving the attention but I know its all about sex. I can live with it for now. I know I will come off this high on Valentine's day. That is the worst day of the year for me. Oh well.
I am planning my daughters birthday. I want to make it special for her. She will be in daycare that day so I will plan a little something for all the kids. She is my TRUE light.
That was a quick blog post but Hope's asleep and I am running into my bed now!!!!!!!
Goodnight and G-d Bless.

Short but sweet

I am at work so this blog will be relatively short until I have more time to write.
I finally went to dinner with Al on Friday night. OMG Hope was horrible. She threw a tantrum like never in her life before. It was totally embarassing. But, more importantly, I found out that Al and I have nothing to talk about. I was afraid of that. But honestly Hope was only half of why the date bombed. I had been SO looking forward to that night... too late I guess.
I went to Chuck E Cheese with Hope and Stacy and the kids. We had a great time on Saturday. We spent a few hours at Stacy's house afterward. I like hanging out with her, we have a RELAXING time!!!
Sunday I was with Hope... until almost 5. I went to dinner with Justin. A new man. Sexy... hmmmm hmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmm
We will see what happens.
I am supposed to see Doc tonight. Let's see how it goes if he shows up.
So, that is a nutshell of men lately.
OH yeah. Bill was mad at me. He might still be, I am not sure. He thinks I want nothing to do with him. I only want him happy, truly, but I don't need intimate details of that happiness.
Its hard to explain. I want his friendship, I love him. BUT, at the same time, I romanticised him!! I think he is more than he is, bigger and better, so to speak. I need to remember, he is a great guy but he isn't my great guy anymore. I also need to stop wanting him sexually. I have others to take care of my needs, why do I want him? He was very good, we had a great time but I know its over. I do. Hurumph. Oh well.
I need to email Doc... seeya all later!

men men men

I am upset with bill. I went to dinner with him Saturday night. He stayed long enough to make sure I couldn't be with anyone else but he never touched me and we barely spoke about anything really at all.
I feel he is treating as his x wife is treating him. Keep them close enough to love you but not close enough for them to love you. I love him, I hate him, I love him, I hate him. ASSHOLE!
I think he likes the fact there is someone in the wings who would do anything for him. I don't even want him back as my boyfriend. I think I romanticed him, ya know? I do know I want him sexually with all my heart. BASTARD!
Anyway... other men actually want to be with me. I spent overnight on Sunday night with Chris (the young white C from the previous post). It was wonderful. Dinner and then kissing... then playing and the best foot worship I have had in a long time and he kissed my nose and forehead. He played with my hair. He helf my hand while we had sex. For someone so young.. he knew EXACTLY what to do!!!!!
And then I had a date with Ken on Monday night. VERY nice. A very clean cut 44 year old. We hd spoken months ago but I didn't think he was interested in me... guess I was wrong. I Topped him... (beat his ass, raped his ass) It was WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I may see him again on Saturday night.
I posted an ad on craigslist for a sugar daddy. I am not making it financially and I thought "who knows?"... I met a guy yesterday for lunch... he won't pay me and he only wants a lot of blowjobs. Not from me... I want a two way pleasure street.
I met a guy today who was neat. A bad boy for sure. Can't wait to see him again to see if he kisses as good as he says he does. He also won't pay my bills! :)
I am meeting a doctor tomorrow. Doc seems to be way out of my league. He travels, owns a lot of businesses and just seems to be a man of class. I am nervous.
Hope and I have a date with Al for dinner on Friday night. Its about time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is the update on my men.
Let's see who really comes back to see me.
And Bill.... stop treating me the way your x is treating you. I am tired of being kicked like a dog.

I am overwhelmed by men!

So there is E who is early fifties, single and not too far away. Kinky as all hell.
There is C who is late thirties, black, and lives in NJ. Open to being my every wish fulfulling slave.
There is C2 who is 32, single and from Queens. C2 is spending Saturday with me. He is very kinky and into almost everything but men!
There is M who is almost 35, single, has a 4 year old son, lives in Manhattan and is offering to pay all my bills while I stay home to have a baby with him.
HOLY SHIT!
And then there is Al. Al won't read my blog anymore because he feels it isn't a way to communicate with those you know and care about. So.. I can freely say what I want (which I would anyway). Al is pretty sick with a virus. He is healing from the ankle wound. He has no time to be with me. I am needy and whiny at the very moment.
I want someone to spend time with. I wish any of the above men (besides M) wanted to spend time with me for something besides sex. I know its negative attention but I am craving it right now. Maybe to make sure the medication isn't making me asexual. I have mental urges but I don't feel it in my body as much. SO unlike me.
Oh, I forgot about S. I had lunch with him a few days ago.... I liked him a lot. I liked him kissing me goodbye.. even for a minute. It was one soft kiss (peck) on the lips. Anyway... enough about the kiss.
He is married. It won't be more than playing with him.
When I spoke with M on the phone a few days ago I was a little needy (see prior post) and I started to cry. He dealt with it.
Almost all of them (or all of them, I can't remember) know I am bipolar. They are all accepting of it. What choice do they have?
Anyway... another baby. I have always wanted more than one child. I just didn't think it would happen. I would want legal papers drawn up ahead of time. I couldn't afford to have a baby and then we break up. I couldn't afford another baby alone. But... a man who heard me cry, doesn't think I am psycho and wants to please me in EVERY way. Kink aside... he knows I want to be loved and adored and cared for. What more can a girl ask for? OH, he's gorgeous. :)
And tall!!!!!!!!!!! 6'4". AWESOME! :)
I know I am rambling. I just have so much on my mind and I need to go to sleep.
I am friendly with Emily again. Not an everyday friendship but a casual friendship.
We will see what happens.
Anyway... goodnight and G-d Bless.

Dare I say ...

That I need a firm hand and firmer personality to keep me in place? One of the things I like about Al... he doesn't back down and he doesn't shy away from being a strong man. In his profile from the website I met him on it says he wants a woman who isn't afraid of a strong personality.
I think I need it, want it, crave it. I think I am so ready for someone like him.
I wish he weren't healing from a wounded ankle but all in good time, as they say.
But but but I want him. I have my period. I told him. I get needy and horny during and after my period. He promised to try to be there for me when its all over.
I just read a blog "His to love, his to spank". I love the blog. A boyfriend (they do not live together as of yet) is in complete control of his girlfriend. She has adult children who are in the house, etc. ITS A NORMAL, vanilla household situation with a wonderful twist. When she does something bad she gets spanked and punished. She is at times standing or sitting in the corner.
I don't know if I could take the pain anymore. I used to. I used to crave it. I would thrive in it and be a brat to get more. Now, the last few times I trusted anyone to inflict it, I crawl within myself and pray it to be over. I trusted Bill to do it after I cheated on him. I was withering inside until he was finished. My "friend" Lee sucks at being a Top for me. (Did I really say that?)
I don't have the same escapes from life I used to have... and truthfully... life isn't the same for me. It is just as hard, just as much a struggle but very differently now. I told my dad yesterday that he is crazy and I partially blame him for my being bipolar. My brother and mother and I sat and talked about our family and upbringing.
I told my x husband today that I loved him more than anyone in my life but THEN, not NOW.
I miss my daughter. I want to cry and yet... life is good.
I am poorer than I remember being in a long time. Bounced a check poor. But, I am still planning Hope's third birthday in March. I will have a small party at my mother's house. Nothing in a resteraunt like my brothers can afford to do. Not a crowd. Just the immediate family and ordering in food. BUT, I will mail invitations, have a small pinata and play stuff and will still buy Hope a present. She is my life. I have to be able to do for her. She is innocent in my f'ed up life.
I just had to get this out... I really am getting a little down... a little sad. I miss Bill (asshole!). I wish Al had time for me when I needed and wanted it! (not an asshole yet! ) :)
Anyway... Al just IM'ed me.. how does he do that?!?!??!?!

A friend's opinion....

1 Comment -

Show Original Post

Stacy O said...
My opinion, and you didnt ask, but she is not your Best Friend....repeat after me...."Emily is not my best friend" she sounds like a back stabbing bitch that has given you nothing but bullshit. love ya
7:22 PM

I guess it still bothering me because Stacy O has heard the story for 3 days already!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

A quick post to let out some thoughts...

Bill has been renting an apartment from someone I know. That's fine. Its not fine that it took him over a month to let me know who it is. Its not fine that my so called best friend knew it all along. They had DISCUSSED it prior to see how I would react. How fucking nice is that? How friendly of them? I know I sound like a spoiled baby but you would have to know all the background which is too great for me to explain just now.
But, long story short, Emily and Bill decided I shouldn't know who he was renting from.
He decided to tell me now since I HAD FUCKING DINNER WITH EMILY AND THIS WOMAN the other night.
I just feel as if everyone was in on this joke but me. I was the butt of the joke. Spoiled little brat I am... no doubt. But I am really upset by this.
I feel as if Bill treats me like a baby and doesn't think I can handle anything. I feel as if I have been betrayed by Emily AGAIN. She never has my back, so to speak. What are best friends for?
Anyway... this is a quick post. I was with my family today. Enough said.

I think I am happy.

I am at least, very content.
I have good friends, a nice apartment (although a basement), a good job... a gorgeous, smart little girl.... life is good.
I really hope Al did well by the doctor today. I want to spend some time with him. I now have Hope until Sunday afternoon... so... I don't know if I have to wait until then to see him. Hope not.
My daughter has the energy of 1000 moms. I don't always have the ability to keep up. I play with her after work... in between IMing and writing to the blog! :)
She is my heart's desire. I have always wanted to be a mother and a wife. I am now realizing I am not that great at either. I am not the type of mom to live ONLY for Hope and G-d knows I am not a perfect wife at all.
I married someone 25 years older than me. I am now happily divorced. He just was so happy being the way we were. Didn't matter that he was on Social Security Disability and Workers Comp at 56 and I was working my ass off with a full time job and AVON full time. We did AVON fairs on weekends here and there to make extra money. Yeah fit it in with working and trying to be a mom. I burned out.
I just didn't love him enough.
Hope. I love her enough. I wouldn't be with someone if she hated him. Although, she is young enough not to know just yet who to like or not. Thankfully.
I am feeling good today. I wanted to write.
I wanted to write about my hopes for the future... my goals, aspirations. I want to be healthy in mind and body. I want to be a better mom, better daughter, better friend. I want to always love Bill because I love him so honestly, so completely. I want to know Al... get to say I love you and mean it and have it returned, romantically. I think he is ... able to be what I want for myself ... at least for now. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I do enjoy him, now. He is like no other man I have met. He takes no crap from me!!!!!!!!!!! And he is supportive and caring and strong. SO STRONG!
The two men and one girl in my life! :) Not too bad a life!
Thanks for reading. Goodbye for now.

My life........as I know it.

Welllllllll about 2 months ago I was diagnosed as bipolar. I did a lot of research and decided I wasn't and my therapist was wrong wrong wrong.
I was wrong. I really am bipolar and there are signs from YEARS ago to substantiate it.
I cut my arms when I was 16. I lost my virginity. My mom wasn't able to handle it and I didnt know how to react to that... so... I cut my arms. That was the first big thing.
Oh... maybe it was giving oral sex for the first time at 13? I digress.
Anyway... there were 2 other major outbursts that happened when I was 23 and then 27 that I am not comfortable sharing here, yet!
Anyway... Besides manic times in my life that are huge like cutting... there are smaller things. Rumenating (spiraling thoughts) that I can't stop. Staying up all night long because you can't shut off your brain. Highs and lows. Being happy and then down in the dumps that lasts for weeks. That was me and I didn't know it.
Now I do. I have a psychiatrist who gives me medication and a therapist I adore.
And I have some GREAT friends. Bill, Emily, Sherry, Stacey, Al and more.
Al. Wow. Only met him for 5 minutes last Sunday. Scared the pants off of me. He met me by a store I was going to for a minute. HOTTIE... Going to be my hottie one of these days. Eventually. He is out of commission right now for a medical issue that is resolving. Not frigging fast enough. :) I digress :)
How can I love Bill so much and yet REALLY REALLY like AL soooooooo frigging much? I do... both things.
Bill has taught me so much. I am independent. I am strong. I don't NEED anyone, I want someone.
Al... is supportive, nurturing, funny, honest. REAL! Not like anyone I have ever met.
I am greatful to both men for being in my life.
I just wish to spend time with Al. Real life time.
Hope... My daughter. OMG, she is sooooooooo funny. Hope will be 3 on March 2, 2007. Almost around the corner. I cant believe how fast time has gone. I miss holding her in my hands... the little feet, the smell of baby. She is now my little girl. With a mouth... and an attitude. Where does she get it?
OK my friends... I love you all.
'Night.

A New Year, A New Day, A New Me.

Just a quick post today. Bill is someone I will always love. BUT, we are only friends and I have to understand that. I do understand it. But, there is a piece of me that feels something inside has died. I love him.
Anyway. I went on 2 dates with a guy names Tony and they sucked. They didn't, he did. When a man compliments you all the time you are together, it gets too hard to believe them. Just be nice to me, don't kill me with kindness. I told him I wasn't interested while on our second date. I received nasty email and IMs after that. I ignored them.
My therapist and the new medication I am on for being bipolar is making my life easier. I don't have to have a man. I want one for when I want one. BUT, I will not settle at all.
In my next post, probably later today, I will tell you about Al.
And update you on Hope, my little girl.
And tell you about being bipolar.
And whatever else I can think of.... :)